she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
