whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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