i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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