Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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