Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
