You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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