i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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