I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
