i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
