I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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