it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
