dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
