You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
