All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
