she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
