What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
