someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
