btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
