Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
NoShamevember. You game?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
