Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dear god my vagina.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
