I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
