I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
