i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
