We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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