She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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