these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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