my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
