I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
