hell yes lets make some ravioli
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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