I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
