i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
