i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
