no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
