there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
