i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
