sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
