We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
