she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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