My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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