Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
