either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
there's paper in my vomit.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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