i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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