I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
