The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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