even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
