I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
