i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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