i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
