When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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