you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
