I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
