I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
