And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
