My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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