I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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