The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
